Tuesday, July 10, 2007

What Is That Ticking Sound??

Maybe it’s because in exactly four weeks and three days I’ll be joining the ranks of woman in their “late 30’s.” (where they heck does the time go???) Maybe it’s because everyone around me is either a happy parent of an infant or toddler, pregnant or trying to get pregnant, but man all of a sudden that clock everyone warns you about is ticking so loudly I can barely sleep!

Either way it’s funny how life changes. How dreams you had as a little girl to those you have in your teens and 20s can be just that, dreams.

I was engaged in my 20s (actually more than once I hate to admit) but man how different my life would be now if I had actually gone through with it. Sure, there’s no doubt I’d have children by now, but no guarantees I wouldn’t be joining the ranks of divorced, single moms raising children and working full time.

But, thankfully, that was not the case.

The funny thing is I have several friends who were married back then, right out of college, and had children and some are nearing the teenage years. I hear about it – every story, every scare, every injury, every success they have. And I’ve known them since they were born and that to me is something to be thankful for.

It wasn’t until a couple of years ago when everything really finally changed and it’s a change that has made my life so much better and so much more fulfilling than I ever though it could be. I didn’t meet C until I was in my mid-30s, but frankly if I had to wait until my mid-40s to have him unexpectantly come into my life, that would have been just fine. I never thought I would find “the one.” But yet, here he is beside me every step of the way morning to night, seven days a week.

He’s loving, caring, considerate, organized, charming, thoughtful, handsome, fun, a jokester, and he’s all mine. (did I also mention he does the laundry?) What more could a girl want? I never really thought anything, but every now and then the thought of a family comes to mind.

Now I’m not afraid it’s not going to happen. Not yet. But then again, you never know. And surely that will be something we will tend to together when we get married, when the time is right.

But I can’t help but wonder how it will all happen. If I can even have a child. Who knows? I know there are tests to see your chances, but frankly that’s not even something I want to think about because I’d rather know when the time is right, not ahead of time. Lord knows I have enough to worry about on a day-to-day basis. But let’s be honest. I’m in my late 30s. I’ve never been pregnant. After 36 a pregnancy is considered “high risk,” and I’ve always told myself if it didn’t happen before I turned 40 I simply wouldn’t even try. After all, it’s not a life half-lived if we don’t have children, right?

In the meantime, I try to suppress these thoughts which come creeping up on me at the least inopportune times and try to spread my love of children onto my girlfriend’s children and even more so on my only nephew making sure he’s happy and buying him everything from a limited edition Count Von Count (from Sesame Street) doll to books to fill his bookcase (even though I found myself adding some of my childhood favorites when purchasing some a couple of weeks ago). He also gets lots of hugs and kisses whenever I can get my hands on the little guy.

For now being an aunt keeps those thoughts at bay.

1 comment:

My Wombinations said...

This is a really good post and makes me think a lot. Since we live in the same area (two blocks away from eachother), I can tell you that the mojority of mothers I know with children Samara's age are in the early 40's, late 30's. You have time. And you will figure it all out.