There are many things in life I don't understand and those I know that no matter how much I try to make sense of them it will never happen. Suicide is one, if no the biggest, of these issues.
A former co-worker of mine, someone who I had known since the time he was in his mother's womb took his own life last night.
He was 29 years old.
It had been a couple of years since I last saw him. We'd run into him in local sandwich shops after he moved to my area. We both grew up on the South Shore of Boston but later found ourselves living within mile of each other on the North side.
My girlfriend called me earlier this morning, after e-mailing me at work with a cryptic "are you still in the office." She gave me the bad news. Pete shot himself in the head.
For hours I tried to grasp what happened, why and what could lead someone to this type of decision. At that age you really have your whole life ahead of you - I can't begin to think about what may have happened that led him to make such a deadly decision.
I also can't imagine what the pain must be like for his family. Having to bury their youngest child.
I called my former boss Al right after I happened to let him know and so he could tell others. We ended the call with promising each other we would let the other know if we heard anything further.
After going to lunch with my coworkers, and spending a good half hour on the phone with another former co-worker and friend of Pete's, I found a message from Al telling me the local newspaper had a story. I immediately went online and looked it up.
Seeing it in print made it much more real to me and even more devastating. The story said he was in his third day of a gun safety program at a local gun shop. He was with his instructor when he put the gun to his temple and fired. The bullet went through his head and grazed the instructor, who, luck would have it, only suffered minor injuries and did not need hospitalization. Pete fired that fateful shot and died two and a half hours later at a local hospital.
Now many of us are left with lots of tears and are mourning the loss of a co-worker, friend, son and brother. Someone who always had a whole lot of life in him and with whom life simply won't be the same without.
God bless you Pete.
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4 comments:
Dear Liz-
Your note on Pete was a wonderful, empathatic cry for understanding. As Pete's dad I hope this provides some of the latter.
Pete suffered from mental illness for most of the past ten years. It cost him his career in journalism and, ultimately, his life.In the end several hospitalizations, therapy and multiple attempted interventions from family and patently unselfish and caring friends were no avail.The terrible predations of irrational took him.
Mental illness needs to be faced. Perhaps half of American familiies have direct exposure to it.It is largely a physical -cancer like disease- with behaviorial manifestations.One percent of the population have schizophrenia.Almost every adult person will have one or more bouts of clinical depression in their lifetime. Ad bi-polar disorder,anorexia,obsessive/compulsive disorder, etc and the the numbers add up.Individuals and families (sic)are at big time risk to a plague that is largely relegated to the backside of public polcy.
Perhaps Pete's life can have more meaning if it contributes to a an impetus to dissipate endemic ignorance and apathy regarding mental health issue.
At this point we find some comfort in that atleast now he is at rest and in the hands of God (as we all are). Also through the Organ Donor Program,he IS sustaining and augmenting life for others in need.
Thank you for listening,
Pete's dad
(hartzelp@yahoo.net)
Mr. Hartzel.
Thank you so much for responding to my blog post.
Peter meant so much to me. I remember the day his resume came over the fax machine when we had the newsroom in Sharon and convincing my then managing editor that he'd be a good fit. After all, he was a local boy, with local ties and and he had the one thing that's most important in that field - drive.
I was barely 7 when my family moved out of the neighborhood and into a different school district, even though it was only seven blocks away. I left many friends behind including Joanie but did manage to meet up with her many, many years back very randomly in Boston. Please let her know that she, as well as you and your wife and the rest of your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Peter was such a wonderful young man. Someone I will always hold close to my heart. He had an enthusiasm about things that most just can't measure and his charisma was something you just couldn't explain unless you really knew him. I'll always be thankful I had the opportunity to know him in my lifetime and will miss him dearly.
I still can't believe this has happened, but am grateful to know the reasoning behind it and I thank you for opening up and sharing all that with me. I can't tell you how touched and comforted I was to find your words when I came home tonight.
I take comfort in knowing Peter is in a better place where this struggle is behind him and is something he no longer has to face.
Pete's life will have meaning, he touched everyone who ever met him. His impressions were lasting and his personality was one of a kind. I can't imagine anyone who didn't know him would not do what they had to do to get this message out to the public to realize mental illness is a real issue that needs to be addressed.
Thank you again for opening up Peter's life to me and sharing the reason behind what happened.
God bless you and your family.
I'm sorry to hear about your friend. It seems that dealing with death never gets any easier with experience, does it? My friend, Mark, hung himself several years ago. I still think of him when certain songs come on, when I see someone with a wistful, slightly distant look in their eyes. I remember him asking me once if I thought anyone was truly happy or if all these happy seeming people were just faking it. Having never dealt with depression and not knowing of his struggles with it, I had no idea where he was coming from and laughed at the question. A month later he moved to San Francisco. A month after that he killed himself. I've thought many times to myself if only I had paid more attention, been more observant, less oblivious... We were the same age, and it makes me sad to think of all the things he didn't experience because he chose to stop living.
As for Peter's life having meaning, of course it does. No one goes through this world without leaving a footprint on someone else's heart and mind. It's clear from your blog posts that he's done this in yours. I feel Mark's footprint all the time in that I have a heightened awareness to people reaching out and I've learned a lot about depression and mental illnees in the years since his death.
You and Peter's family are in my thoughts.
Oh G-d Liz. How awful. I am so sad to hear this. I am thinking of you and of your friend's family.
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